Monday, October 8, 2012

Dreams - 10-8-2012

I dreamed about Helen again tonight.

This time, we were in the past, a past that had never happened.

After we broke up, she threw a big "end-of-HS" grad party at her adopted parent's (?) house in Temple, TX. A big old mansion in the middle of the warehouse district. I attempted to crash her party four times, but not as if I kept showing up, it was if it was a video game level and I kept resetting the level and trying again.

Once, I walked in the front door and attempted to fake an invitation. I was grungily dressed in military surplus and she was radiant, in a white prom dress, her hair coiffured and her blue eyes cruel as she ridiculed me in front of all her guests and threw me out. I responded by drawing a revolver and shooting her in the face, then putting the burning hot barrel in my own mouth and killing myself.

Another time, I snuck in by climbing the wall and entering through a window into the master bedroom on the top floor. I heard people coming, so I hid in an attic access in the ceiling. The door was perforated, and I was able to watch, dismayed, as she lost her virginity to every guy I had ever known and been envious of in a laughing, joyous orgy. I fled then, not caring about the noise I made in my exit. Her laughter as I ran revealed that she'd known I was there all along, maybe even that I was going to crash her party, and specifically invited those people to humiliate me. After making it to the street and vomiting, I found gasoline, chain and some locks, sealed the house in to the tune of her joyful moans, then set the building on fire. Walking away all "cool guys don't look at explosions" before crossing the street, where I was suddenly hit by a dump truck.

The next attempt got weird. Instead of trying to crash the party or sneak in, I waited in the snow (?) until the party was over, then following her as she walked home (I thought she was home). I confronted her on the seawall next to the docks (?) telling her I still loved her and wanted her back. I am unable to remember the words of her response, only that they were hurt, bitter and angry. She then told me she'd been learning to fight, and if I could beat her, she'd give me another chance. I accepted, desperately. She then went on to tell me how her biological parents had left her a present before returning to their home planet (?) and that she'd been using it in her fight training. A giant robot/combat machine rose out of the water in the docks and she entered, pummeling me to death on the docks with missiles, lasers and her screaming voice, shouting how she'd loved me and I'd ruined it. And that I would never deserve to love someone, so she was really doing me a favor by killing me.

The final time, I simply ignored my objective, knowing I'd just die again. I waited for the party to end, then followed Kate Swope (? Kate doesn't/didn't know Helen ?) as she left the party, we walked for some distance, before Kate started talking to me, letting me know she knew I was there. Abandoning my failed attempt at stealth, I moved up to walk next to her, and we talked about things I cannot now recall. She promised me a non-confrontational introduction, as she was Helen's roommate (?) and so I followed her up to the loft apartment they shared. Helen was angry and spit on me and cursed me to Kate, never speaking directly to me, before Kate calmed her down, then I was allowed to sit at one of the desks, the windows in the wall overlooking the dock. Helen had changed into sweatpants and a hoodie and after Kate changed, they sat and talked about the party, Helen pointedly ignoring me. Helen then started recounting all my failures, first just retelling fights we'd had in High School, then the times later (? but this dream was set just at the end of HS ?) when we'd met and she'd privately laughed at my attempts at reconciliation. She then started talking about my failures that night, when I'd tried to bluff my way in, sneak in and then fight her robot. She didn't seem startled or dismayed that I'd killed her when my attempt didn't succeed, just laughed derisively at my failure. During her storytelling, I was shrinking further and further down into my chair, that horrible empty feeling of embarrassment and humiliation. The sensation was so intense I woke up in a cold sweat, physically nauseated, letting my heart rate drop from over 120 back to 60 before I could fall asleep again. Apparently, the conversation between Kate and Helen had continued in my absence, which Helen commented directly to me about, the first time she'd spoken directly to me in this variant of the level.

"Awww, can't sleep? Is this too upsetting for you? I'm sorry, but you're going to have to weather the storm." Her voice was actually sympathetic when speaking to me. As if my journey through anger, humiliation and powerlessness was all part of some plan, and she, Kate and all the others were specifically present to make this happen for my eventual, if painful, benefit.

They resumed talking to each other, and I sat, quiet, taken aback that a dream character had spoken directly to my conscious self. After a while, Kate remarked that she was quite thirsty, and since they didn't have any food, she was going to go to the store. I offered to go instead, so that she didn't have to go out into the weather. Then timidly asked Helen if she wanted to go with me. Helen considered my face for over a minute, then agreed, smiling a little at me. A voice in my head said "everything went better than expected!" and I saw an overlay on my vision of the memeface that accompanies that phrase, as if some heads-up display was registering my minimal success.

Since I was still dressed, I went outside while Helen got changed into warmer clothes, and got my car started (? I walked to the loft with Kate ?) and was letting it warm up when a tatty Jeep pulled up on the street and a close friend of mine (Preston?) opened the door and told me to get in, that it would only take a minute. I complied, and we started driving, leaving the city shortly and proceeding up a mountain pass. He told me he was saving me, and we stopped the Jeep, then I followed him up a valley between two mountains to a concrete guard station. We entered, and he began speaking in Russian to the guard captain at the station, paid him some money, and was given a green duffel, then sent to what appeared to be a bathroom. The captain then approached me, "You are going to go with him. You do not have a choice. You must leave everything you have here, and take only what we give you, including your name." I must have looked hopeful, because he said, "No, you cannot be 'Krysa' you have not earned it. You get to be 'Zanudnyy'." While those were obviously Russian words, I understood them for some reason. The first was "Rat" and the second was "Wimp".

The door to the bathroom opened, my companion was not inside. The captain handed me a similar duffel and pushed me toward the room. When the door closed behind me, there was a loud click, and a section of the floor at the back of the room dropped away, leaving a shaft down with a ladder attached to the side. I turned away and opened the duffel, reaching in to find a half bar of some coarse soap on top, then losing patience and dumping the whole thing out. It contained toiletries, a full change of clothing and a Makarov pistol with one magazine. I changed into the clothing, but the toiletries back in the bag, put the gun in my pocket and descended down the ladder, leaving my old clothes on the floor in the bathroom. The trapdoor clicked shut above me as I descended, leaving me climbing down in darkness. I awoke just after the door shut and total darkness, my heart racing again.

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