Thursday, August 6, 2009

I hate paranormal romance with a passion...

...any kind of romance novels for that matter. Sorry if it's your cuppa-t, but the vapid, overdone storylines are just impossibly tasteless to swallow.

Lets see if I can become a "#1 Bestselling Author!" like is listed on EVERY ROMANCE NOVEL EVER!!!1!!1!!11one >.<

*ahem* (in the following synopsis, pick one or more of the items listed in each color for each section to complete the sentence)

Sweet/innocent/cute/sexy girl who is a vampire hunter/orphan/cop/detective/werewolf is having a rough personal life because her boyfriend/buddy cop/partner/lover/boss/master has died/been killed by other monsters/been killed by her/committed suicide/found another lover/turned gay. Meanwhile, a body/corpse/victim/skeleton/arcane circle/nun is found in a local alley/bar/her apartment/strip club/vampire hangout and our heroine has to solve the mystery because she's accused/bored/fearful/vindictive/horny. While getting started she runs into a mysterious man/vampire/werewolf/scottish highlander/alien/demon/ghost who draws her to him with his irresistable/unrelenting/exotic/deep/throbbing passion/lust/looks/soul/manhood even though he's the killer/killer/killer/killer/killer. The story drags on for numerous improbable/outlandish/impractical/fantastic soft-core sex scenes, in which his hard/firm/rigid/rocky/hot/warm/immense/throbbing/pulsing/seeking/flexing manhood/manliness/shaft/erection/pole/hardness/masculinity performs impossible feats of ecstasy/desire/lust/transportation, then culminates in her realizing the obvious, that he's the killer/killer/killer/killer/killer, and she's forced to kill him/ignore the fact and make love to him again/kill herself/have an emotional discussion about how they can never be together because she's jewish/kill her ex/hide him from the police/turn him into a vampire/turn him into a wolf/turn him into a demon and then through some incomprehensible plot twist, she ends up alone at the end so that the series can continue.

Woo! now I'm "ZOMG #1 BESTSELLING AUTHOR EVAR!" Just like Hamillton, Kenyon, Harris and all those other pen names for the romance novel industry's pool of hack writers. (Oh, you didn't know that? You thought that the overly made-up woman on the back cover who "takes time out of enjoying the Vegas nightlife to set down her martini and write" [a no-shit direct excerpt from a back cover] really did all the writing? Silly person)

Anyway, time to sleep. Moar rage later.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


So there I am, minding my own business, playing some Aion (more on that awesomeness in a minute), when my cell rings. I answer it and...wait, wait, wait. For this story to make any sense, we need a little flashback action *Does the Wayne's World wriggly finger motion* Doodle-loo! Doodle-loo! Doodle-loo!

[Two Weeks Ago]
So I'm browsing through Craigslist for jobs, and lo and behold, amongst the innumerable job scams and work-from-home pyramid schemes, I spy a well-written, readable ad. And it's for a company I recognize and love, Half-Price Books. Ad says: Want moneys? Come fill out application and get jobzored. (Ok, ok, so I paraphrased a teensy bit) So I roll up to the Round Rock HPB, completed application in hand and drop it off. The cutie behind the counter smiling coquettishly at me and promising to let the manager know I stopped by. A few days later I get a phone call; the assistant manager at HPB wants to know if I'm available the next day to come by for an interview, "But of course, good sir." I replied. 24-ish hours later, I'm sitting in a comfortable chair in HPB, reading a bit of tasty Halo fiction when I'm called to the office. Sitting down with the managers to have a lovely discussion about Books, Comics, Role-playing games and steampunk. Oh yeah, and we talked about hiring me too *grins*. "We'll call you Monday about the position" they gladly inform me. Well monday comes and goes without a call. A little let down, I shrug and continue my until-now, fruitless searching. Thursday rolls up, all angry and in-your-face; and after an extremely depressing let-down from NCSoft about the job there, I get a call. It's the assistant mangager from HPB, letting me know that he was really pushing for me to get hired, due to my literary experience and tastes (that's right kiddos, people want to hire me because I read cyber- and steampunk), but was overruled by the store manager in favor of another applicant. Thanking him for his honesty, I hang up, returning my now-bloody nose to the perpetual grindstone.

[Meanwhile, back at the Ranch (I mean the present)]
So there I am, minding my own business, playing some Aion (man, I just got the weirdest feeling of deja vu), when my cell rings. I answer it and its the store manager from Half-Price Books. "Is Isaac there?" she asks. "Right here, baby. Wha-chu want?" is my sultry reply. (ok so now I'm just taking gross artistic license with the actual facts) "Well, I was wondering if you might still be interested in the position at HPB, we liked your interview so much, we were very disappointed we didn't have enough positions. I petitioned the district manager, and she authorized us to hire an additional employee, and were wondering if you could come in Tuesday @ 11am to start training?"


So, the job hunt is over, the training begins. So does teh leet moneys and all that.

[Next topic]
Aion. Dizzam, what can't I say about this game. Yeah, so I didn't get the Game Master position for Aion, or the Paid Beta Tester position either. I'm not holding a grudge against the game over that though.
Awesomely Appropriate Acts of Alliteration Aside, this is really the most beautiful MMO I've seen. Starting right from character creation, NCSoft continues the exceptionally detailed character generator it debuted in City of Heroes/Villains, taking it to the next level with 22 Facial presets, 6 body presets and 4 voice presets. Once the basics are finalized, players have 38 hairstyles, 17 face shapes, 18 facial decorations and 13 tattoo/scar/piercing choices, not to mention the full RGB color selection for hair color, and faction-appropriate RGB tables for lip and skin colors. (By the way, that's just male characters. Females have their own complete set up) As long as I'm doing my math correctly, that's 1,567,268,352 character design combinations, assuming you only use the hair/lip/skin color presets and don't delve into the RGB tables at all. Holy crap you say? But wait there's more! Now that you've chiseled out the main look of your character, there's an "Advanced" settings tab. 0.0! Face and Body are separated into two categories, with 25 sliders to tweak facial shape and 12 sliders for the body (Females have 13 because they have a booby size slider too). Add all this to the 2 factions, male or female character choice, 4 basic character classes, each with 2 subclasses, and you have an overflowing cornucopia of character creation goodness!

I'm too tired to go into the actual game (besides, I want to get back to playing ^.^) so I'll type another blog tomorrow about the gameplay.

(For the curious, Females have 23 facial presets, 6 body presets, 4 voices, 44 hairstyles, 20 face shapes, 7 facial decorations, 18 tattoo/scars, 25 face sliders, 13 body sliders and the same color choices, for a final possible combination total of 1,149,603,840 choices).